when friendships end

What does it look like to loose a friend?

As I sit here writing this blog; I definitely do not feel like an expert on this topic, by any means. There have been many situations in my life where I've had the chance to grow from past experiences. Even though this story is very much still in process; writing has been a great way for me to release my thoughts. Hopefully if you're reading this, then you can relate and can grow as well.

So long story short(ish), and for privacy reasons... let's just say my friend's name is "Tabatha."

Tabatha and I go way back, we've been best friends since college, ten+ years of friendship. Ever have a friend who you talk with or text multiple times in a week and share any and everything with? Someone who celebrates your highs and will meet you for pho when you're having a bad day? Someone who can stand in agreement with you, when you're believing for something? That was how our friendship was. I believe it is rare to have a friend who you can truly share your true self with. When deciding who I would ask to be my bridesmaids and share in one of the biggest moments of my life, it was a no-brainer that Tabatha would be one of the select few. Stephen and I decided that Sunday, January 9, 2022, would be our wedding date. Being the super planner that I am, every detail was ironed out already, two weeks before the big day. The week of the wedding all I had to do was relax, get my hair and nails done, and not worry about a thing. Four days prior to our wedding, Tabatha sends me a pretty lengthy text message basically stating that not only will she not be able to be a bridesmaid but will no longer be attending the wedding. Tabatha stated that her supervisor said they were only allowed to travel to and from work because of Omicron (Covid) cases rising. A text message probably wasn't the best way to communicate to your best friend that you would no longer be attending her wedding. As you can image, I was more than shocked. It hurt. January 9th came, and our wedding day was even more beautiful than I ever imagined. I married my best friend, Stephen Daniel, and it was so incredible to say "I do" to forever!

Many months passed by and there had been zero communication between Tabatha and I. There was no congratulation text, nothing. For awhile I had a nagging in my heart, and unresolved questions in my mind; some of which will probably never be explained. One of the qualities that I love about my husband is that he has taught me forgiveness. Forgiving quickly too! Stephen easily apologizes and quickly forgives. I am the opposite. "Why should I be the one to reach out?" "I'm not the one in the wrong." I like to sweep things under the rug and pretend, "Maybe it will go away if you just ignore it." I've gotten better at addressing issues, but I'm still working on. The majority of the time, the act of apologizing and forgiving is necessary, even when you may not be the one in the wrong. That's the way I felt towards Tabatha. I felt wronged in the situation, but not only did I need to forgive Tabatha, but I needed to ask for forgiveness. Meeting in-person would've been the best way to have this conversation but because we live several hours part, I called. After chatting for a couple hours, I know I communicated everything that was on my heart to say. I felt a release in my spirit. Tabatha and I still have not spoken since that day, but I do know that I truly forgave her and released it.

Like any relationship when you loose a friend and can't quite make sense of it, it always leaves you with questions. I'm very much an internal processor. I replay situations in my head an endless amount of time. What just happened? How could I have done things differently? Did I say the wrong thing? How can I prevent this from happening again? Questions that will probably drive you crazy if you dwell on them too long. I forgave, but now why am I struggling to move on? Why does there seem to be a void where that relationship used to be? Usually when thoughts occupy my mind for an extended amount of time, I'll find a podcast or sermon or even just journal. There have been a few that have helped me get more resolve and clarity on the issue.

Dr. Joy Harden Bradford hosts, Therapy for Black Girls on Spotify, and her podcast "Cultivating Friendships in Adulthood," gave me some great perspective. Maintaining friendships in adulthood is a little more trickier later in life compared to grade school.

Another great listen would be All on the Table podcast by Covenant Love Church in Fayetteville, NC, the Seasonal Friendship session.

So, why do I share this story? When thinking about starting a blog, Stephen and I wanted to share about different topics that aren't necessarily discussed. I feel that everyone can relate to loosing a friendship or relationship, and looking back and wondering what happened. I believe nothing is wasted. Everything that happens in our lives, happens for a reason. Whether the reason is to grow, learn or re-evaluate. Personally I've learned, thanks to the podcast Cultivating Friendships in Adulthood, that there is a disenfranchised grief process that takes place. I've asked myself many times, why am I not over this already? Why is it difficult to move? Grieving the loss of a friend happens whenever a relationship ends, and not just when someone passes away. I wasn't giving myself grace and time to process and feel whatever I was feeling. It is okay to feel hurt from loosing a friend. It is okay if it takes months even years to process things. My counselor tells me often to, "Be kind to yourself." Recognizing and being aware, I believe is part of the healing process. Another way to heal is through community, which is so important. Having these types of conversation with my counselor and my family has helped me process and reflect. I'm thankful to have them in my life!

I've also learned that conflict, conversation, and accountability is healthy in all relationships, especially with close friends. I believe that people truly think that because there is conflict or disagreement, then the relationship can't last. Honestly relationships are strengthened when both parties are able to have those conversations in a healthy way.

My hope is that you've been encouraged and maybe even challenged or inspired to grow.

With Love,

Images used in this blog are from https://unsplash.com